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Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

2
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And here he is, Benny Hill.

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Oh, marry the life with the beautiful
wife. He's many a man, proud boast.

4
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But I say, why burn the house down?

5
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Just because you fancy toad.

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When Jake's son was born, his wife said,
I must warn you, he'll learn manners

7
00:00:32,340 --> 00:00:33,480
from me, not from you.

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Here's the mummy, dear, I want to
whisper.

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not I'm breaking my neck for the loo one
night a young cop climbed out of his

10
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cot he said I want to whisper daddy dear
and poor tired Jade who was hardly

11
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awake said well whisper in daddy's ear
oh married life with a kid and a wife

12
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everywhere you look and there's a nappy

13
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Why make one woman miserable when you
can name so many so happy?

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Marie said for a mink she wouldn't do
anything, so I took her to the forest on

15
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the day.

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The man said, I'll need two days to
clear your check. Oh, you cannot take

17
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first oath away.

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I went back on Monday. He said, it's not
funny. The check of yours is worthless,

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my friend.

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You've been wasting my time as if yours
were not mine because I've had a

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smashing weekend.

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Oh, Marie, I... with a possessive wife
makes you feel like a fish on a hook.

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And when you can't join a library, why
should you buy a book?

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Now, one day I fell and I married Nell.
I've learned a lot about marriage since

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then. If you want to keep her happy, you
must buy her a mirror. She'll look in

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it again and again.

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And if she's beautiful, she'll think how
lucky you are to have such a beautiful

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wife. But if she's ugly, she'll think
how lucky you are to have such a

29
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wife. Oh, I think she'll know there's
two happy years of married life I have

30
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had.

31
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And all my married friends tell me that
two out of 22 isn't bad.

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Let's see what impression London has
made on our visitors from across the

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Channel. The Carpenter brothers, Tennon
and Morty.

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God bless you all. What was the first
thing you bought when you arrived here?

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A toupee.

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You hardly needed one.

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I did. I was starving.

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You were starving.

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So you bought two pails? Hey, two pails.
A pail for me and a pail for him.

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Two pails. Right, wash your ears.

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We were having a coffee, didn't we? And
these two waitresses come over.

42
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One of them had a lovely pair.

43
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Well, they both did. They both did. He
wanted a rape one.

44
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He wanted a rape one. He wanted to... He
wanted a rape one.

45
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I didn't want a rape one.

46
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He wanted a rape one. He had a rape one.
And I had the unrape one.

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He had the right pair.

48
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Right, yeah. I was expecting Russell
Hardy or Michael Carson. I had a beer.

49
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What do you think of English beer?

50
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Oh, it's pure ale.

51
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You like it?

52
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The dog is pure ale.

53
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Pure ale? Yeah.

54
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He had a drink there. He gave his drink
to the dog. Well, it was lame.

55
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The dog was lame? The drink was lame.

56
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Have you never heard of lager and lame?

57
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But most... You see, mostly lame.

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He was still there. I thought you'd gone
home. No, but here all the time.

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I had to pay full fare for him coming
over.

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I tell you, after that, all that
drinking, he wanted to pee.

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He wanted to... He wanted to pee, but he
couldn't.

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Why not?

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He had no money. You can't pee without
money.

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He couldn't pay. Right, yeah.

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He even took this fellow's seat.

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To drink?

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To wash with, have a rinse, and the
gents.

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Why, he borrowed a man's soap. Right. To
have a thrill. Right. A Catholic.

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He might have been a Protestant. I never
asked.

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What is the purpose of this visit? Well,
he's hoping to go to Winchester.

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He wants to enter the monastery.

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Oh, the monastery of St. Luke? No, the
monastery of agriculture.

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The ministry of agriculture. Right,
you're getting it. You're getting it.

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getting fruity eventually.

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You see, he has to behave.

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At the ministry?

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No, in the garden.

78
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Well, why have you got to behave in the
garden?

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You wouldn't put a behave indoors, would
you?

80
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No, with all them bees, they're in the
garden. Oh, gee, hi.

81
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Right, you got it there, yeah.

82
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I tell you, Steve, he studies them.

83
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And by correlating the wingspan with the
body weight, he has proved that it is

84
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mathematically impossible for a bee to
fly.

85
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But the bee doesn't know that.

86
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So the poor critter keeps on flying.

87
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And what sort of work are you after? I'd
like his uncle's job.

88
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Ah, he's a driving tester.

89
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Sometimes he tests young women.

90
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Aye, and sometimes he feels them.

91
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He feels them? Yeah, well, they're
sitting next to him, you know, and if

92
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slip out of their gear, he has a
feeling, doesn't he?

93
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Ah, or they give wrong hand signals.

94
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Oh, he feels them? Right, yeah, yeah,
right, yeah.

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Have you found Londoners hospitable?

96
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Oh, yes. Peter's nice.

97
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Leicester Square.

98
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Leicester? Leicester Square. We met
Peter in Leicester Square.

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And it didn't seem to be a place of
work.

100
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Aye, aye. We've seen him getting the
mail ready.

101
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Oh, he's a postman. A chef.

102
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Getting the mail ready. You got it.
Right, right, right.

103
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Then we've seen the place.

104
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What place?

105
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The Metropolitan Palace.

106
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You see, they had noticed him.

107
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Cutting off his mate.

108
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Why did he cut up his mate? To put it
into the pot.

109
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Mate? Right, yeah, yeah.

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And this officer come and he said, Irish
stew.

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Irish stew in the pot? Irish stew in the
name of the law.

112
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Why was he arresting him?

113
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Well, you see, they had found his bacon
hot in the pot.

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His bacon hot?

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His bacon hot. The hot he wears when he
goes bacon on his back.

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He found his cycling hat in the... In
the port.

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High port? High port.

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High port.

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In the boat in the lake.

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Ah. The leaking boot. Not the leaking
boot. The boat in the lake.

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Through the floating lake. Right. You
see, they had seen the wetness. The

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wetness of the hat. Now the wetness of
the prosecution.

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Where was he when brains was given out?

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Get in the sack and hunt for the mouth.

125
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Look, mister, you see, you see, the
farmer had left his children, it wasn't

126
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farmer, the gardener left his children
at wheelbarrow.

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No,

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you see, the thing is, and they said
that Peter's wife had taken a

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A speedometer on a wheelbarrow?

130
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Not a speedometer, the speedometer.

131
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Oh, a spade, home with us. Right.

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Open the gates, I'll send him up in a
minute.

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And she was charged by the police in the
belly.

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In the belly? In the belly, yeah. In the
old belly.

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Oh, the old belly. Right. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. So what happened?

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She was nine months in jail, suspended
for two years.

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Due to extenuate... Due to extenuate...

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It's being written off, isn't it? That's
what I'm going to say.

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Yes, yes.

140
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Did she understand the sentence?

141
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Only some prisoners find it hard to
understand the judge's sentences.

142
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Not half as hard as we find it trying to
understand your sentences.

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Are you going to explore further into
England?

144
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No, we're going home.

145
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Oh, why?

146
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Because it's the only place they speak
bloody English.

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Come on, William. Come on. Right. Well
done.

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From Sydney, Australia, comes Tigger
Blue.

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Tigger Blue.

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Tigger Blue.

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You don't say you're the most famous one
in the world, right? Take a look.

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This week's episode, The Case of the
Missing Microfilm.

153
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I can't do it

154
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honey there.

155
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I want my honey pot here in bed.

156
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Ah, that's a sweet little hand.

157
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Come to bed, please. Oh, please, yes,
sir.

158
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Oh,

159
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you've got here at last. Well, go on,
play it.

160
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Me, selfish.

161
00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:05,380
Sauce!

162
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:09,720
Bloody sauce!

163
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You're selfish.

164
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,200
Selfish!

165
00:15:19,740 --> 00:15:20,740
Darling,

166
00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:23,740
what are you on about?

167
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Five years I've been married, five
years, and not once has Angela called me

168
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selfish, you bitch!

169
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George, please, part of honor
domestique.

170
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Yours is mine!

171
00:15:50,630 --> 00:15:51,630
You pig!

172
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You filthy pig!

173
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I bet I'm not the only one.

174
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You know what they say, don't you?

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If one's not enough, a thousand's not
too many.

176
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You pig!

177
00:16:07,670 --> 00:16:09,110
Of course you're damn well right.

178
00:16:09,370 --> 00:16:10,610
I'm going down for some cigarettes.

179
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:35,760
a red pencil book.

180
00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:41,040
The teacher is writing it up on the
blackboard.

181
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,700
Yes, I would like a second help in.

182
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:45,780
So! Charles!

183
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,320
You're going to Mother's for the
weekend, eh?

184
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,360
Plot, plot. Oh, Charles, please, I don't
understand.

185
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:54,740
Couldn't you do better than that? I
mean, what can he give you that I can't,

186
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:55,800
What?

187
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:58,200
I have a red pencil book.

188
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,260
Now, have you been making love to my
wife? Yes, I would like a second help

189
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,599
Oh, mademoiselle. Oh, no, no.

190
00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:19,680
Why? What have you done to her? Take
that!

191
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,800
Stop it, Mallory! Stop it!

192
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,760
I tell you, Laurie's a very rich.

193
00:17:31,580 --> 00:17:35,760
You come up to town for a conference,
and I find you with this woman. Oh,

194
00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:39,320
George, you have to... It isn't my room.
I was just passing, and I saw this

195
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,320
swine beating his wife.

196
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,460
So, naturally, I... You ought to be
ashamed.

197
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:44,660
Well, what have you got to say for
yourself?

198
00:17:45,550 --> 00:17:47,770
I have a lovely bunch of coconut.

199
00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:51,990
Excuse me. Is he your husband?

200
00:17:52,310 --> 00:17:55,470
Yes, yes, yes. He's just a little
jealous.

201
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:56,910
Oh, come on.

202
00:17:57,350 --> 00:17:58,350
Oh, mademoiselle.

203
00:17:59,150 --> 00:18:00,150
Oh,

204
00:18:01,430 --> 00:18:02,430
mademoiselle.

205
00:18:04,010 --> 00:18:05,190
Mademoiselle, shut that door.

206
00:18:11,010 --> 00:18:12,010
Janine.

207
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:59,960
of studios of Thames Television, where
for every artist appearing in front of

208
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:03,900
the camera, there are four highly
skilled technicians working to keep him

209
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:10,740
In this hive of industry, they're
working round the clock, night and day,

210
00:19:10,740 --> 00:19:15,520
-stop. So I hope they won't be too cross
with me if I interrupt this frantic

211
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:19,880
activity to speak with the man who's
been in charge of them since the studios

212
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,720
came into being, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

213
00:19:32,660 --> 00:19:37,340
You must have worked on an awful lot of
programs. I've worked on a lot of awful

214
00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:38,340
programs.

215
00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:42,960
Well, you had them all here, you know.
All the stars have been here. Oh, we've

216
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,900
had... Give me the blue light.

217
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:46,800
Give me...

218
00:19:53,990 --> 00:19:59,250
Magnus Pike and I'll tell you what's
with that with her ladies and gentlemen

219
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:05,870
want to tell you a little story we have
we've had her Dorothy Squires yes

220
00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:07,410
the Harvard

221
00:20:31,180 --> 00:20:34,580
Oh, yes, yes, yes. No, no, no, sir, no.
Prime Minister's never been here.

222
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:38,960
How about Max Bygrave?

223
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,820
Oh, how about Max Bygrave?

224
00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:44,260
Oh, I've got your Max Bygrave, sir. And
Anthony Bygrave, yeah. I went with the

225
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:45,260
father and the son.

226
00:20:45,380 --> 00:20:46,780
I'm just waiting for the only ghost now.

227
00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:52,820
Who is your favourite comedian?

228
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,860
Oh, without a doubt, sir, Mike
Spilligan.

229
00:20:55,620 --> 00:20:56,740
Spike Milligan, sir.

230
00:20:57,550 --> 00:20:59,790
I've had me nose fixed and now me mouth
won't work.

231
00:21:01,130 --> 00:21:03,370
Good job it wasn't Marty Feldman, isn't
it?

232
00:21:09,750 --> 00:21:12,510
Who decides what you watch in your
house?

233
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:14,170
My wife's mother, ugly enough.

234
00:21:15,450 --> 00:21:18,510
I tell you, when Bernard Manning's on, I
can't get her away from the set. She

235
00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:21,610
sits in front, she won't budge. She
keeps thinking someone's going to switch

236
00:21:21,610 --> 00:21:22,610
on.

237
00:21:23,170 --> 00:21:25,630
And who would be your favourite actor?

238
00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:27,490
I would say... Sir, Edward Woodward.

239
00:21:29,510 --> 00:21:31,290
Edward Woodward. Don't put one too many,
sir.

240
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:33,650
I know how to say it. I just don't know
when to stop, you see.

241
00:21:34,490 --> 00:21:37,430
Oh, he's marvellous. He's very
professional, you know, sir. Of course,

242
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:38,450
a funny little way, you know.

243
00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:39,990
He's got little peccadilloes.

244
00:21:45,250 --> 00:21:46,550
I've never dressed him, sir.

245
00:21:49,170 --> 00:21:51,850
But he's very professional, sir. I'll
tell you how professional he is. The

246
00:21:51,850 --> 00:21:53,350
day, he was doing a play live.

247
00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:57,120
And he had to clean his teeth, sir. And
some idiot put down a cube of glue

248
00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:00,940
instead of toothpaste, sir. He carried
on as if nothing had gone wrong at all.

249
00:22:01,020 --> 00:22:02,440
He wasn't upset afterwards?

250
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,040
No, he hardly ever mentions it.

251
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,960
Come to think of it, I don't think he's
spoken since.

252
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:13,140
But you see, little things do go wrong.
Only last week, one of the wardrobe

253
00:22:13,140 --> 00:22:17,100
ladies was measuring Larry Grayson's
inside leg and forgot she had a fag in

254
00:22:17,100 --> 00:22:18,100
hand.

255
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,220
He wouldn't have minded, only he was
wearing a kilt at the time.

256
00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:24,180
And it seems this is foreign.

257
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:31,440
I don't see many young men round here.
They're all out doing the location, sir.

258
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,080
They're doing our documentary on the
North Sea oil.

259
00:22:34,300 --> 00:22:36,400
They're up to the North Sea in their
armpits, sir.

260
00:22:36,620 --> 00:22:37,620
They are, sir, yes.

261
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,980
Hanging on to their earphones with one
hand and playing out their cables with

262
00:22:40,980 --> 00:22:41,980
the other.

263
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,100
And they get no extra money for that,
you know, sir.

264
00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:47,180
Their increments have been frozen? One
of them dropped off, sir.

265
00:22:52,780 --> 00:22:54,240
I expect they have their teeth in
trouble.

266
00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:57,480
Oh, they do, sir, yes. Especially when
the sand gets in their grove.

267
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:03,640
I suppose you might say when the sand
which is there gets in their sandwiches

268
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:04,640
there.

269
00:23:09,700 --> 00:23:11,220
You might say that, sir.

270
00:23:12,300 --> 00:23:14,600
Especially if you wanted one of them
lumps to come down on your head.

271
00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:18,520
I tell them, sir, if they get any sand
in it, swill it in the sea like that,

272
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,000
sir. Just swill it in the water out
there, sir, yes. I'll be liable to catch

273
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,000
something? No.

274
00:23:22,420 --> 00:23:23,420
Crabs, perhaps.

275
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,040
Not fish. A fish couldn't live in all
that oil, you see.

276
00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:32,320
Well, sardines, perhaps, but not other
things.

277
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:37,320
But what I always say to my lads is that
a television company is only strong as

278
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:38,320
its weakest link.

279
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,680
And that is a function that they fulfil
to perfection, sir.

280
00:23:42,300 --> 00:23:45,740
I always remember what Huey Green told
me, sir.

281
00:23:48,020 --> 00:23:51,720
He said, always be sincere, even if you
don't mean it.

282
00:23:53,270 --> 00:23:57,790
Well, you see, sir, I would never
knowingly tell a lie unless it was

283
00:23:57,790 --> 00:23:58,790
convenient.

284
00:24:00,810 --> 00:24:05,930
These are the props for... Yes, for the
London night out, sir. Those two there,

285
00:24:05,990 --> 00:24:09,010
they belong to the strongman, Captain
Marvel, you see. He must have an awful

286
00:24:09,010 --> 00:24:10,010
to put in his trunks.

287
00:24:12,290 --> 00:24:13,290
Oh, yes, he has.

288
00:24:13,570 --> 00:24:16,370
That's full of cement, sir. The cement,
he breaks them with his head, sir, like

289
00:24:16,370 --> 00:24:19,170
that. Bang, bang goes for that, sir. Oh,
what's in the other one?

290
00:24:19,570 --> 00:24:20,570
Aspirins. It gives him a headache.

291
00:24:22,419 --> 00:24:25,620
That stool there belongs to Rush Convoy.

292
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,660
It's very high, sir, because he plays
the piano with his feet.

293
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:33,280
What does he do with his hands? Sticks
them over his ears. He can't stand the

294
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:34,280
noise.

295
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:36,520
What's that?

296
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,220
That is our new young apprentice,
Arnold, sir.

297
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,200
What's that funny thing on his
shoulders? That's his head.

298
00:24:49,550 --> 00:24:52,510
I've not seen biceps like that since
Bonnie Langford stopped wearing short

299
00:24:52,510 --> 00:24:53,510
sleeves.

300
00:24:54,630 --> 00:24:55,630
Do you smoke?

301
00:24:55,970 --> 00:24:57,810
Yes. Thought you did the way you was
puffing then.

302
00:25:01,870 --> 00:25:03,850
I say, are them fellas ready yet?

303
00:25:04,070 --> 00:25:05,610
Well, pour them on then.

304
00:25:05,910 --> 00:25:09,110
You'll like these. They're marvellous.
They're called the Cotton Mill Boys.

305
00:25:15,950 --> 00:25:18,130
This is the musical story.

306
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:23,460
of a train that ran through America
between Michigan and Arkansas.

307
00:25:24,580 --> 00:25:26,940
And it was called the Orange Button
Special.

308
00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:54,580
platform two.

309
00:25:57,660 --> 00:25:59,560
More like firemen.

310
00:26:34,090 --> 00:26:36,290
We're going downhill about 90 miles an
hour.

311
00:26:36,770 --> 00:26:38,350
Vastly through open countryside.

312
00:26:39,370 --> 00:26:41,470
Green fields and meadows.

313
00:26:42,310 --> 00:26:43,470
Lots of trees.

314
00:26:45,110 --> 00:26:46,110
Bushes.

315
00:26:46,670 --> 00:26:48,030
And little birds.

316
00:26:49,650 --> 00:26:50,930
Many little birds.

317
00:26:57,690 --> 00:26:59,150
Charlie the bird watcher.

318
00:26:59,970 --> 00:27:01,470
Go without the hitchcock.

319
00:27:03,690 --> 00:27:06,290
He sees them all except the carrier
pigeon just overhead.

320
00:27:10,270 --> 00:27:14,130
Carrying... I was going to say carrying
his message. He just dropped it.

321
00:27:20,030 --> 00:27:21,030
Barber!

322
00:27:21,630 --> 00:27:22,630
Blow your horn.

323
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:04,700
There lived a widow called Maria.

324
00:28:04,940 --> 00:28:06,460
She was very beautiful.

325
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,920
And she was very rich.

326
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:20,480
She had two children.

327
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,700
One was Benito, the butcher.

328
00:28:33,870 --> 00:28:36,350
The other one was Henri, the tailor.

329
00:28:48,710 --> 00:28:55,570
Well, one day, they both decided to pay
her a visit. And as they arrived at the

330
00:28:55,570 --> 00:28:56,570
bronzer...

331
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:37,900
They would both pretend to kill each
other, and the one she ran to first

332
00:32:37,900 --> 00:32:39,880
be the one she would marry. Henri
agreed.

333
00:32:44,860 --> 00:32:48,320
Maria came running into the room. Mon
Dieu, she cried, both of my suitors

334
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,940
Now I can marry the man I really love,
Gaston!

335
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:57,520
And they both lived happily ever after.

336
00:33:10,250 --> 00:33:14,270
And tonight, we'll be visiting the
Moscow Film Studios. Well, already this

337
00:33:14,350 --> 00:33:19,070
they've shot four feature films, six
documentaries, and eight directors.

338
00:33:19,510 --> 00:33:21,690
And you'll be seeing their answer to
Jaws.

339
00:33:21,970 --> 00:33:26,630
It's called Wings, and it's about a
giant moth that swallows people whole

340
00:33:26,630 --> 00:33:28,030
spits them out new.

341
00:33:28,670 --> 00:33:30,810
And we'll be looking at how it gets the
painters.

342
00:33:34,250 --> 00:33:35,229
Good evening.

343
00:33:35,230 --> 00:33:38,250
I'd like to start this evening with a
song in the Gaelic.

344
00:33:38,650 --> 00:33:39,710
And it's called Borussia.

345
00:33:40,610 --> 00:33:45,350
And this tells the story of a young girl
who spends all her time in the bog.

346
00:33:45,930 --> 00:33:51,910
And she loves Pete because he talks
wiggly and dresses Natalie.

347
00:33:52,650 --> 00:33:54,030
She doesn't love Natalie.

348
00:33:54,550 --> 00:33:57,850
And one night she's walking through the
wood and she comes upon a big Irish

349
00:33:57,850 --> 00:34:01,450
wolfhound. And she knows it's an Irish
wolfhound because it's walking backwards

350
00:34:01,450 --> 00:34:02,450
and wagging its head.

351
00:34:02,690 --> 00:34:06,110
And the Irish wolfhound is eating a
great big bone and chewing on it all the

352
00:34:06,110 --> 00:34:07,390
time. And she says, would you come with
me?

353
00:34:07,710 --> 00:34:08,730
And help me find Pete.

354
00:34:09,150 --> 00:34:12,170
And this wolfhound doesn't take any
notice. It just goes on chewing its

355
00:34:12,429 --> 00:34:16,590
And then she says, if you come with me,
maybe we'll find a lady dog for you.

356
00:34:16,850 --> 00:34:20,870
And with that, this big wolfhound gets
up and walks towards her. And its back

357
00:34:20,870 --> 00:34:21,870
leg drops off.

358
00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:24,070
And it's called Groucho.

359
00:34:25,969 --> 00:34:28,610
Groucho, Groucho, Groucho, Groucho.

360
00:34:29,050 --> 00:34:30,810
Groucho, Groucho, Groucho.

361
00:34:35,719 --> 00:34:40,360
And it's based on the very lovely
spinning wheel. Right, lads. Fags out.

362
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:41,360
go.

363
00:34:44,820 --> 00:34:51,659
I sit here and I think all the days long
gone by when we'd ask Ma to

364
00:34:51,659 --> 00:34:54,139
bake us a nice rabbit pie.

365
00:34:54,460 --> 00:35:00,140
She'd say, go out then and catch a
rabbit or steal one if you must but get

366
00:35:00,140 --> 00:35:03,080
with a humpback and it'll keep up the
crust.

367
00:35:06,890 --> 00:35:13,590
Into Flanagan's bar came a Scot with a
kilt. He bumped into O 'Reilly, whose

368
00:35:13,590 --> 00:35:15,010
shandy was built.

369
00:35:15,290 --> 00:35:22,150
The Scot lifted his kilt to mop up the
shandy. And Maggie, the barmaid, said,

370
00:35:22,230 --> 00:35:23,690
God, what's that candy?

371
00:35:26,850 --> 00:35:33,250
In the bottom of one day, the young
Paddy Blazer was accused of attacking

372
00:35:33,250 --> 00:35:39,630
his wife with a razor. The judge said...
What you done Was a terrible sin

373
00:35:39,630 --> 00:35:43,850
We've all to thank heaven That it wasn't
plugged in

374
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:50,750
Now 24 children Hasn't it? This is old

375
00:35:50,750 --> 00:35:55,230
Brian He's doing great But the poor
stork is dying

376
00:36:09,420 --> 00:36:14,000
This is a bath that she's got. She gives
each child a bath, whether he needs one

377
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:18,580
or not. It's under one and it saves
water, you know.

378
00:36:18,900 --> 00:36:22,780
And the bigger the baby, the deeper
he'll go.

379
00:36:25,620 --> 00:36:31,080
But I sit here and I smile as I'm
quietly spinning, watching football.

380
00:37:04,910 --> 00:37:09,310
A lot of people ask me, why is it that
as I sit here, I am frequently seen

381
00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:10,750
brushing my trouser leg?

382
00:37:11,430 --> 00:37:16,210
And the answer is, because I drink my
whiskey diluted with vodka.

383
00:37:17,070 --> 00:37:22,190
Every evening, I see the little fellas
climbing up my trouser leg, and what I'm

384
00:37:22,190 --> 00:37:23,470
doing is brushing them off.

385
00:37:24,110 --> 00:37:28,570
And I went to a psychiatrist about it,
and I said, I have to keep brushing the

386
00:37:28,570 --> 00:37:30,890
little fellas off. And he said, well,
there's three things I want you to do.

387
00:37:30,890 --> 00:37:31,950
is to relax more.

388
00:37:32,620 --> 00:37:36,200
The second thing is to cut down on your
drinking. And the third thing is to stop

389
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:38,020
brushing the little perishes all over
me.

390
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:43,060
I don't know if you know a little Jewish
story about a couple of Jews who were

391
00:37:43,060 --> 00:37:44,060
walking down the street.

392
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:50,580
There were two

393
00:37:50,580 --> 00:37:55,380
Pakistanis walking down the street in
gold as green.

394
00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:57,820
And they went into their synagogue.

395
00:37:58,180 --> 00:37:59,920
And one Pakistani turned to the other.

396
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,980
I mean, I've got more brains in my
little finger than I have in the rest of

397
00:38:04,980 --> 00:38:07,320
body. See, my truck is done and I'm
going.

398
00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,200
I'll tell a story about my own race.

399
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:13,120
Two Irish fellows.

400
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:15,380
One of them bought a paper shop and it
blew away.

401
00:38:16,300 --> 00:38:19,260
The other Irishman went down the road to
see the dentist to have a wisdom tooth

402
00:38:19,260 --> 00:38:20,260
put in.

403
00:38:20,340 --> 00:38:25,980
Steve Allen, what kind of a man has two
Christian names and no surname?

404
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:27,660
An agent, that's why.

405
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:30,260
Are there any Chinese in?

406
00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:32,620
Once upon a time, there were two
Chinamen.

407
00:38:33,020 --> 00:38:34,300
Now look how many there are.

408
00:38:35,740 --> 00:38:36,740
Right,

409
00:38:44,140 --> 00:38:47,400
I'll tell you a mythical story about a
race who don't even exist. I'll tell you

410
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:48,259
a fairy story.

411
00:38:48,260 --> 00:38:52,640
Now, there were these four fairies. Oh,
what if we are, you nasty little... Why

412
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:53,640
don't you leave us alone?

413
00:38:54,180 --> 00:38:55,880
We're leaving. My God!

414
00:39:04,270 --> 00:39:08,550
Just a little perspective of the film.
Hollywood director Arnold P.

415
00:39:08,790 --> 00:39:13,350
Fudpucker. The long list of credits
includes one of the very last Sherlock

416
00:39:13,350 --> 00:39:18,590
Holmes films ever made, and it stars, of
course, Nigel Bruce and Basil Rathbone.

417
00:39:20,030 --> 00:39:21,610
Sorry, Basil Rathbone.

418
00:39:22,810 --> 00:39:24,550
Bone got stuck in my throat.

419
00:39:26,250 --> 00:39:32,350
Howdy, Sheriff. Deputy Doe here. I was
interrogating that moonshiner, and he

420
00:39:32,350 --> 00:39:33,350
just fell down.

421
00:39:33,670 --> 00:39:35,310
And I think maybe he's dead.

422
00:39:35,610 --> 00:39:36,970
Shall I bury him, Sheriff?

423
00:39:37,750 --> 00:39:39,650
Make sure he's dead first.

424
00:39:45,870 --> 00:39:47,930
He's dead now.

425
00:39:50,570 --> 00:39:51,590
Mr. Mayor!

426
00:39:51,830 --> 00:39:52,910
Mr. Mayor!

427
00:39:53,170 --> 00:39:58,210
Godfrey Daniels, my great toaster! The
jumble sale! Call me for a line! The

428
00:39:58,210 --> 00:40:03,150
jumble sale! Oh, I remember as a little
whippersnapper in Kokomonga.

429
00:40:03,610 --> 00:40:09,130
I acquired the art of transforming gin
bottles into lampshades. I don't suppose

430
00:40:09,130 --> 00:40:11,910
any of you ladies got any old gin
bottles you don't want.

431
00:40:12,250 --> 00:40:14,250
Do we look like we drink gin?

432
00:40:14,570 --> 00:40:16,790
I got any old vinegar bottles you don't
want.

433
00:40:17,150 --> 00:40:19,310
Strong drink is the devil's brew.

434
00:40:19,530 --> 00:40:22,930
You're not related to the devil, are
you? Only by marriage, my dear.

435
00:40:23,330 --> 00:40:24,610
My dear sister.

436
00:40:25,310 --> 00:40:29,450
I have never permitted strong liquor to
pass my lips.

437
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:33,500
I dare me to choke myself trying to find
another way to swallow that.

438
00:40:34,420 --> 00:40:39,840
Mr. Mayor, do you mind if I put your dog
down? I think I can feed a flea. Oh,

439
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:43,800
well, put her down, then. Yeah, I
wouldn't like her to get a flea. We'll

440
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:44,800
good spaker.

441
00:40:46,060 --> 00:40:48,820
Hey, Sam, could you send over some
sandwiches?

442
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,860
Yes. Oh, dear. Only got cheese.

443
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:55,260
Oh, well, could you cut it with a ham
knife?

444
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:57,240
Give it a little bit of flavor, yeah.

445
00:40:57,600 --> 00:40:58,960
Someone distinguished.

446
00:40:59,220 --> 00:41:05,940
My eldest boy, name escapes me for the
minute, he founded the Comstock Farmers

447
00:41:05,940 --> 00:41:06,939
Bank.

448
00:41:06,940 --> 00:41:09,020
He also went to jail for...

449
00:41:09,310 --> 00:41:14,830
Case of mistaken identity, my dear. Out
of a population in this town of 8 ,000

450
00:41:14,830 --> 00:41:17,410
people, only 12 people thought he was
guilty.

451
00:41:17,950 --> 00:41:21,250
A transvestite of justice, if ever I
heard one.

452
00:41:21,910 --> 00:41:24,310
Why, that boy has a purple heart.

453
00:41:24,830 --> 00:41:25,830
I didn't know that.

454
00:41:25,990 --> 00:41:27,610
He doesn't talk about it much.

455
00:41:28,030 --> 00:41:30,150
Guy owns it, still looking for it.

456
00:41:30,470 --> 00:41:33,630
Well, I saw him last week, and he was
drinking whiskey.

457
00:41:33,890 --> 00:41:36,110
He had a slight cold, my dear, yes.

458
00:41:36,350 --> 00:41:40,970
The finest medical brain. tell us that
whiskey cannot cure the common cold. Nor

459
00:41:40,970 --> 00:41:42,890
can the finest medical brains, dear.

460
00:41:43,690 --> 00:41:46,470
You cut your lip on a saucer drinking
tea, did you?

461
00:41:47,370 --> 00:41:53,230
My great -uncle Clarence never drank,
never smoked, only chewed toothpicks all

462
00:41:53,230 --> 00:41:54,169
his life.

463
00:41:54,170 --> 00:41:55,490
Died at the age of 45.

464
00:41:56,170 --> 00:41:57,169
How'd he die?

465
00:41:57,170 --> 00:41:58,310
Dutch elm disease.

466
00:41:58,870 --> 00:42:02,070
Well, I've never heard so much nonsense
in all my life.

467
00:42:02,290 --> 00:42:03,790
Come, ladies, we're leaving.

468
00:42:04,130 --> 00:42:06,330
Oh, what a shame, what a shame.

469
00:42:08,430 --> 00:42:10,710
Was she weaned on a pickle?

470
00:42:11,570 --> 00:42:13,170
Would you be so kind?

471
00:42:14,730 --> 00:42:17,310
Anyone old Napoleon Brandy?

472
00:42:18,270 --> 00:42:20,370
1925. For one bottle?

473
00:42:20,770 --> 00:42:22,550
This is what the Pope drinks.

474
00:42:23,370 --> 00:42:26,050
No wonder they have to carry him
everywhere.

475
00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:34,390
Hog Rider, Marvin Lovesish, celebrates
his 30th year in show business.

476
00:42:34,859 --> 00:42:37,400
Gillian Foote talks to him at his Malibu
home.

477
00:42:41,980 --> 00:42:46,120
Mr. Loftus, do you remember the first
person to take an interest in your

478
00:42:46,300 --> 00:42:49,160
Well, I was a little kid, my dear, but
I'll tell you, there was a man who lived

479
00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:50,760
in back of us called Hermann de German.

480
00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,800
He heard me playing and he started up a
fund to send me to Vienna.

481
00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:56,760
Or Paris.

482
00:42:57,089 --> 00:42:58,130
Or Rome, or anywhere.

483
00:42:58,530 --> 00:43:01,090
You know, every time he heard me play
the piano, no matter what it was, it

484
00:43:01,090 --> 00:43:03,470
always sounded to him like Ina Klein and
Knockard music.

485
00:43:05,510 --> 00:43:08,750
Which, of course, means a little...
Night music. I didn't know that.

486
00:43:09,330 --> 00:43:11,990
Gee, I thought it was sticking on me
because I was a little kid, you know,

487
00:43:11,990 --> 00:43:12,990
small.

488
00:43:13,010 --> 00:43:14,010
Puny, I was.

489
00:43:14,090 --> 00:43:16,810
I was a baby and my mother used to count
me around in her handbag.

490
00:43:17,270 --> 00:43:19,550
For two years, I thought my brother was
a ballpoint pen.

491
00:43:21,530 --> 00:43:23,730
I could never understand why I leaked
and he didn't.

492
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,400
I was jealous. His knob unscrewed and
mine didn't.

493
00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:33,620
It was called The Mountie with Nelson
Eddy.

494
00:43:34,580 --> 00:43:38,620
He was up at the bar and he gets a
telegram from his wife. He opens up the

495
00:43:38,620 --> 00:43:43,980
telegram and he reads it and he sings,
I'm not getting any better. Come home.

496
00:43:44,940 --> 00:43:47,820
I'm not getting any better. Come home.

497
00:43:48,660 --> 00:43:52,740
And I wrote, I'm not getting any better.
Come home.

498
00:43:59,500 --> 00:44:01,700
The right angle must be clever because
it's got 90 degrees.

499
00:44:05,140 --> 00:44:08,920
Girls who trip the light fantastic
shouldn't trust in cheap elastic.

500
00:44:10,720 --> 00:44:11,780
Good luck, Titanic.

501
00:44:14,500 --> 00:44:16,120
Well done, President Nixon.

502
00:44:17,580 --> 00:44:21,000
If the people in Spain aren't all
Jewish, why do they call their son Saul?

503
00:44:24,460 --> 00:44:28,440
punk music about now with unintelligible
words that people lose inspiration in

504
00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:29,600
writing interesting lyrics?

505
00:44:29,820 --> 00:44:31,880
My only answer to that, my dear, is
walls.

506
00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:37,680
Walls, wherever there's a wall, the kids
are there with their spray cans, right?

507
00:44:37,980 --> 00:44:42,520
I mean, you see it up there and it says,
bill stickers will be prosecuted. Let

508
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:43,600
bill stickers go free.

509
00:44:46,420 --> 00:44:48,180
Twelve inches rules, okay?

510
00:44:54,180 --> 00:44:56,460
lovers. The Japs make them smaller and
cheaper.

511
00:44:59,300 --> 00:45:00,980
And they guarantee delivery.

512
00:45:03,100 --> 00:45:06,520
Oh, it's all up there, you know, but I
think Some of the nicest stuff I've ever

513
00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:09,860
read is in Great Britain in some of your
wash and brush -ups. Really? Why that?

514
00:45:10,220 --> 00:45:15,060
Oh, I don't know. Maybe a matter of
convenience, but... Who can say, really?

515
00:45:15,060 --> 00:45:18,040
I'll tell you, there's a gent in
Portsmouth that you ought to see. Oh,

516
00:45:18,040 --> 00:45:19,040
can't, no.

517
00:45:19,500 --> 00:45:22,140
But it's beautiful. The poetry there, it
rhymes.

518
00:45:22,420 --> 00:45:26,140
You know, the meters are beautiful. One
or two spelling mistakes, but beautiful.

519
00:45:26,540 --> 00:45:29,460
Illustrated, some of them are, too, you
know. Very, very nice stuff, you know.

520
00:45:29,540 --> 00:45:32,820
Very, very nice stuff. You know, Tilroy
was here, but only for the beer.

521
00:45:34,700 --> 00:45:36,520
Happy New Year to all our readers.

522
00:45:39,980 --> 00:45:41,940
What are you looking up here for,
ashamed?

523
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:49,500
And why do you think people find
inspiration in a place like that?

524
00:45:49,740 --> 00:45:51,220
I don't know. The solitude.

525
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:55,980
The magic of the moment.

526
00:45:56,420 --> 00:45:59,500
The feeling of being cut off.

527
00:46:03,340 --> 00:46:05,110
The straining. after perfection.

528
00:46:10,550 --> 00:46:12,610
How can you define the intangible?

529
00:46:12,950 --> 00:46:15,670
To me, I would call it charisma.

530
00:46:17,550 --> 00:46:20,670
Graffiti. I was working on a little
number called that the other day. Here

531
00:46:20,670 --> 00:46:21,670
goes.

532
00:46:21,890 --> 00:46:28,150
Now, back in the days of the caveman,
history recalls, man had this burning

533
00:46:28,150 --> 00:46:30,830
desire to snatch his messages on walls.

534
00:46:32,170 --> 00:46:36,990
There you'll find Joe loves Mae or Mavis
loves little Jim. Or little Jim loves

535
00:46:36,990 --> 00:46:39,570
Charlie. We're gonna keep our eye on
him.

536
00:46:40,350 --> 00:46:41,890
This is known as graffiti.

537
00:46:42,590 --> 00:46:45,270
Graffiti, they even do it on the
tombstones in the cemetery.

538
00:46:45,550 --> 00:46:47,210
Beneath here lies dentist's graffiti.

539
00:46:47,710 --> 00:46:49,670
Someone's written he is filling his last
cavity.

540
00:46:50,790 --> 00:46:54,590
If you look a little closer, these words
you may discover. Beneath this thought,

541
00:46:54,790 --> 00:46:56,050
there lies another.

542
00:46:57,370 --> 00:47:00,770
Now sometimes there's a bite and it's
very, very nice. Sometimes it is

543
00:47:00,770 --> 00:47:05,370
superfluous. Like don't put your cat in
a washing machine or you may get a suck

544
00:47:05,370 --> 00:47:06,370
in the foot.

545
00:47:06,750 --> 00:47:08,290
Carrots will make you feel sexy.

546
00:47:08,570 --> 00:47:13,090
You only got to look at a rabbit. You
can kiss a lady show jumper once or

547
00:47:13,130 --> 00:47:14,650
but don't get into the habit.

548
00:47:15,750 --> 00:47:17,130
Oh, this is graffiti.

549
00:47:17,830 --> 00:47:20,590
Graffiti is easily to a sense of
depravity.

550
00:47:20,830 --> 00:47:24,830
Why, it can be quite witty because there
is no law of graffiti.

551
00:47:25,110 --> 00:47:27,010
There is no law of graffiti.

552
00:47:27,290 --> 00:47:29,090
There is no law of graffiti.

553
00:47:42,589 --> 00:47:47,150
Well, I'm sorry, that's all we have time
for this evening. Next week, we'll be

554
00:47:47,150 --> 00:47:51,570
looking back at the days of the music
hall, when the noisy patrons used to go

555
00:47:51,570 --> 00:47:55,270
along and hiss in the pit, and comparing
it with the modern theatre, which

556
00:47:55,270 --> 00:47:57,630
doesn't even have a pit for him to hiss
in.

557
00:47:58,090 --> 00:48:01,410
And we'll ask the question, should the
manager give him one of the orchestra's

558
00:48:01,410 --> 00:48:02,410
stalls?

559
00:48:02,530 --> 00:48:04,770
Until then, I'll leave you with this
thought.

560
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:22,320
Oh.

561
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:42,800
Thank you